


Colbert Report: Special Report, eh.

by cualacino



Category: Colbert Report RPF, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: American Politics, Canadian Politics, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Stereotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-14
Updated: 2011-07-14
Packaged: 2017-10-21 09:06:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cualacino/pseuds/cualacino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canada is invited onto the Colbert Report, but the conversation turns less-than-friendly about an unexpectedly touchy subject.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Colbert Report: Special Report, eh.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally from the Hetalia Kink Meme. Most of my health care facts came from here: http://www.balancedpolitics.org/universal_health_care.htm . (The website is fairly conservative, but I'm a liberal so put my own spin on things.)

“So...don’t touch the mic, make sure to keep your voice fairly low, _don’t touch the mic_ , and you should be all set.” The brown-haired intern grinned and patted his shoulder.

Canada fiddled with his collar. “I just haven’t done many of these.” He gave a small smile to the woman. “We countries were a pretty well kept secret so it’s a bit...strange, going out on TV and everything.”

She gave his arm a squeeze. “Don’t worry you’ll be fine.”

“And you’re on in four, three, two...”

“Nation!” Stephen Colbert’s MC drew a shower of cheers from the audience as he spun to face the camera. “Thank you -- Nation! We have a very special guest tonight. As you know by now, the identities of several country personifications emerged a year ago, including the United Kingdom, the United States of America, France, Russia and Germany, leading to world dismay that they weren’t hot babes but a bunch of men, making ‘loving your country’ seem pretty awkward.”

Canada smiled, remembering uncomfortable explanations to curious citizens.

“So tonight, Nation, we have our neighbor from the north, Canada! Also known as Mr. Mathew Williams!”

“Go!” The intern hissed, barely audible amidst the screams of the audience. Canada stumbled on stage before catching himself to offer a timid wave to the fans.

“Sir! It’s a pleasure to meet you again!” Colbert shouted over the applause. He clasped Canada’s hand in a firm shake before they both sat.

“It’s a pleasure to be back on the show,” Canada nodded.

“Now, before we begin, I want to ask...who are you again?”

Canada flushed.

Colbert gave him a stern look of honesty. “I don’t remember.”

“C-Canada.”

“Really.” He collected his notes. “I thought we were having a country on tonight --” Colbert paused, eyebrows raised and looked towards his stage manager. “Oh, Canada is a country.” He turned away. “If you say so.”

He tapped the stack of paper in his hands on the desk sharply. “So, Mr. Williams, you are related to our country, the United States of America, also known as Alfred F. Jones.”

Canada inclined his head. “That’s true.”

“And how are things?”

Canada played with his cuffs. “They’re fine. America’s tense with all the controversy.”

“Such as?”

“Well,” Canada laughed, “I mean, Al’s great and all, but there are some flaws --”

“America has no flaws,” Colbert corrected him unflinchingly.

“It’s just...things can get really out of hand here, and it’s mostly the system’s fault.” Canada reached for his mug. “I mean, poor education and poor health care are no way to --”

“Excuse, Mr...”

“I’m Canada,” Canada mumbled reflexively.

“Right. But we are the greatest, truest, freest, best country in the world. Sure we may not have your fancy, functional universal health care or schools that can compete with Asia, but we’ve gotten along fine these past few centuries and health care especially is the least of our concerns.”

“Yes, well --”

“Y’know who else had health care? Communists.”

Canada quieted. Colbert splayed his hands.

“Continue.”

Canada adjusted his tie, taking care to avoid the tiny box attached to his lapel, and cleared his throat. “Sure, but a lot of countries in Europe have free health care.” He straightened. “I mean, Papa -- er, France -- still has home doctor visits.”

“I don’t know about you, Mr. Williams,” Colbert frowned, “but I don’t trust anyone coming inside my house with that many latex gloves. In my family we use plastic bags to cover our hands.” He dismissed the issue with a wave of his hand. “In any case, we have a health care system, already. And even though it was put in by the Democrats, it’s American, so it works. Why do we even need it though? I know my hospital hasn’t been magically transformed into some medical paradise.”

“Universal health care really is beneficial,” Canada could hear America’s argument echoing in his ears. “Especially to Americans. I mean, the number of uninsured U.S. residents has grown to over 45 million.”

“That includes illegal immigrants, correct?” Colbert jabbed his pen in Canada’s direction. “I don’t want to be covering los no asegurados.”

“Nevertheless, they are residents of America.” Canada fidgeted. He hadn’t talked about his brother like this for some time. “If you don’t support them, they’ll have to go to the ER and put more burden on the system by loading up the emergency facilities with minor illnesses and injuries, as well as racking up debt they can’t pay back.”

“You know they’re hard-working,” Colbert shrugged. “Juan and his friends mowed my entire lawn in an hour yesterday.”

“Still, the system is too expensive -- more is spent per person on health care than both food and housing combined,” Canada noted. “And free medical services would promote check-ups and preventative care to stop diseases from snowballing into something that could have been dealt with through lighter treatment if approached earlier.”

Colbert ran his pen under a line of text on his notes. “You said ‘free’, but that’s not exactly true.”

“No,” Canada ceded.

“‘Free’ health care is still paid for through taxes.”

“Correct, but it’s better that the taxes go to a government-controlled system than a privatized system stitched together over the decades.”

“Note, Nation,” Stephen turned to the camera, “stitches would be covered by universal health care.”

He faced Canada. “But I have to wonder if you are the best authority on this. Unlike our good friends at Fox News, you seem a little biased.”

That one took a moment to process. “Sorry?”

“I mean, you’re known for maple syrup and hockey. One of which is a sugary liquid often poured over cakes, the other is a bunch of men with blades on their feet punching each other into walls. Wouldn’t a country filled with unhealthy food and violent sports need a functional health care system?”

Canada set down his mug sharply. “Sure I guess, but...I have to stop you on the hockey. Hockey is more than just that, Mr. Colbert, it’s a truly noble and fierce sport, one of the best.”

“If the world didn’t have football, I guess it would be,” Colbert shrugged.

“No.” Canada leaned forward. “Hockey is the single greatest sport in the world. It’s thrilling and awe-inspiring, and there’s nothing like it.”

“Well...” Colbert faltered.

Canada stood. “No! Hockey is amazing! It’s better than beavers and the Queen and yeah -- it’s better than maple syrup. There is nothing like a hockey game!”

Colbert rose to his feet as well. “Except football.”

“Football doesn’t compare to hockey!” Canada slammed his hands on the desk. “Admit it! Football is a tiny calf compared to great moose that is hockey!”

“Hockey isn’t as American as football and therefore it is not a great!”

“It’s an Olympic sport!”

“So is curling!”

“Curling is great!”

“It’s better than hockey!”

“Men!”

Canada released Stephen’s collar. The two men turned.

Jon Stewart waved his hands. “Both hockey and football are amazing sports.” He approached the desk and lay a hand on each Colbert and Canada’s shoulders. “We are America and he is Canada, and brothers shouldn’t be fighting! We should be bonding over our mutual love of simple things like French-speaking areas that no one likes, kicking out the British, pretending our native populations don’t exist, bacon, English, all the good stuff.”

Colbert sighed. “You’re right...Maybe hockey isn’t such a terrible sport after all.”

“And I guess football has its merits.”

Jon grinned. “And I guess it’s time for a commercial break.”

“So it is.” Colbert stepped forward. “Nation, we’ll be right back.”


End file.
